3 posts tagged “love”

(Let me first say that I hate that I am writing about a breakup. I hate that I am displaying this on a public forum for all to see. I hate that I am being such a girl about what I'm going through, and I hate feeling like I am giving the impression that I'm fishing for sympathy. I'm not fishing for sympathy. But I know that I feel better when I write, and my goal these days is to feel better. So here I am. Writing about a breakup. And it probably won't be the last entry, either. That's my disclaimer. Continue, if you wish; if you're anything like me, you may prefer to skim over this and promptly move on once you realize what it's about. Here goes.)

I found a theme song as I was going through old music on my computer. The song itself is not that old, but I haven't listened to it since long before I ever thought I would be in a relationship. "Our Time" by Tyler Hilton has always struck a chord with me, but as I wrote to my friend earlier today in an email, it's funny how you sometimes don't completely get a song until you have an experience to match it. In my last entry I talked about how I was unhappy with the man I was with. Well, as it turns out, and as is so common, things did not get better. As is also so common, we broke up. We're just not the ones for each other, which stinks sort of, but at least I am now going through a pain that will heal. If I'd stayed with him, the hurt feelings would have only renewed themselves with each encounter. And so now I've been incommunicado for a week and a half, and though it's gotten easier to deal with, the little void is still there and it still pervades me sometimes. I suppose that's why I'm sharing here.

There’s a rule in the book that says it’s gotta be fun.

I hate to admit, but my feelings have changed.

Everybody expects to hear a love song.

Love can’t come from something that never was.

 

There’s a time and a place where thoughts are discovered.

I’ll package a tent, all the sheets that I need.

What I call a gift can’t be given to many,

But loving a friend just ain’t the same.

 

Sorrow hangs like a halo, baby, on my head.

But regret will never fill my vacant heart.

I’m leaving behind the you in my mind.

Though I know it’s new it’s, something I’ll try.

I’ll always remember the way that we cared for our time.

What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Submitted by Desi.

Oh man. Of course this question would come up now, just as I am thinking about the people I have crushes on. Here's the thing. I pretty much always have a crush, and it's not unlike me to have more than one. I think I've hit a record right now, though. At 23 I've never had a boyfriend, and school was pretty much my life up until just a few months ago. I graduated and got a new job, one where there are several young men around my age. I've never really had an easy time of talking to people, especially boys, so maybe I'm just overwhelmed by all the testosterone in the air. Either way, there are a few guys I can think of who, if they asked me out on a date, I would say yes. But on to the question at hand.

I am a pretty quiet person, and when I have a crush, guess what? I'm still quiet. I think it all depends on how the crush develops. One of the people on my list is absolutely gorgeous, and I thought so from the very first time I saw him. So when I'm around him and I'm thinking about how beautiful he is, I tend to clam up. Yesterday I was at work and he happened to be nearby, and I was doing my thing, struggling very hard not to grin like an idiot. Other times, though, and I've noticed that this is the case when the conversation is impromptu and I haven't had time to think of a way to seem cool, I find it much easier to make conversation. Thank goodness for that.

All of the other people on my list are people I've grown to like after having spoken to them first, and there are varying degrees of "crush-hood," if you will. A couple of them I can say right out that I want them to want to hang out with me (I would not, however, be the type to see both at once, so don't worry about that. I'm not a jerk.). To the others, I would say yes if asked on a date, but if they never get around to it, it's no biggie. With all of these people, I don't really act very different from my normal self. They're easy to talk to, and I don't feel awkward around them. Again, thank goodness for that.

I really think all of this is just me learning to be comfortable with myself. The more I feel okay with my quirks (and believe me, I have a few of them), the more comfortable I'll be with talking to people and especially potential mates. I am kind of a late bloomer in the social arena, so I've got some catching up to do. But to all you boys out there, and especially to the ones with whom I work, don't be afraid to look my way. Even if we end up as friends and nothing more. Yes, I'm quiet, but I think you've got potential to help me break out of my shell.

I'm not a social butterfly. In fact, the highlight of my school year, I think, is getting so lucky as to win the lottery for a single room in the dorms this semester. Oh, I like doing things with others, but on the flip side, I absolutely need my alone time. Like a fish needs water.

Having said that, I feel really proud of myself when I do socialize. Most of the time I feel pretty awkward. When I eat meals alone, I don't necessarily feel lonely, although I do feel alone. I don't care to sit with people I don't know; I hate small-talk.  But I am a people-watcher, and I can't help noticing the many, many tables of college kids having a grand old time with their suitemates. This sense of alone-ness is compounded by the fact that I am a senior, and I think it would normally be expected that a person of my "rank" would feel more confident or have more friends or something.

Well, I do have friends. The thing with me, though, is that they've all up and gone. My best friends--three lovely young ladies I met freshman year--are two and three years older than me and have graduated. We still keep in touch, but as can be expected, they're moving on with their lives and are not as accessible as when we all lived together and shared a bathroom. My roommate from last year decided to leave the state, and while we didn't become best friends, we got along well. One other good friend that I met sophomore year graduated last year and we haven't spoken much since. Another friend graduated and has started dental school across the country. Another one moved off campus, and the last one is still on campus, but in another housing area. So, I don't feel totally inaccurate when I say I have one friend (the one who remained on campus).

The result is that I really cherish the time I get to spend with my friends. I'm not the kind of gal who is friends with everyone she meets. I'm not bubbly and outgoing the way some people (namely, two of my cousins--not that being bubbly and outgoing is a bad thing, but let's just say I'm glad I don't possess that quality) are. This week is an excellent example. I just ended my first week of the Fall semester, but I've seen three of my friends in the short time span. One of the best friends stopped by to see my new room on Tuesday, another one came by today, and I had dinner with the friend who stayed on campus. Tomorrow I'm going to a live music show with the third best friend, and I've recently become friends with a girl who was formerly an acquaintance. She invited my to her birthday dinner on Sunday.

I know spending time with friends is a normal, everyday thing. But for someone like me, who doesn't make friends all that easily, the friends that I do have are extremely close to my heart. I'm so grateful that they continue to think of me even though our paths have split off in different directions, and I'm really glad we've met. You know, sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had selected a different college, because I got into a couple of pretty prestigious ones (UCLA and Mills--sorry, I don't mean to brag, but I had to throw the names in there). But I think about these very special friends I've made and the fun times we've had together, and I know I've made the right choice. I think I would have done well academically wherever I ended up. But my gal pals, well, they would have been harder to come by.

Thanks, girls.