1 post from September 2009

So I've had this problem for a few months now. I get anxious sometimes, for no real reason, or for stupid reasons. Right now the reason is that I want a certain boy to call me, and the fact that he hasn't makes me get all stupid. But we communicated via text message last night, and I don't want to be needy by calling him. And so I'm not going to call him, but then as I'm sitting here brooding, one anxious thought leads to another: I'm not financially independent (still at home with Mom and Dad), I'm not in grad school, I don't have a real job, I ate too much today, I'm getting anxious, and thinking about being anxious makes me more anxious and I have too much energy and it's too late to go for a run because it's already dark outside and I keep picking at the skin around my fingernails because it makes me feel less anxious and is my head going to explode from all of this? I feel like I'm breathing faster than is necessary. I feel like my heart is pounding. I'm getting little bouts of lightheadedness. My insides feel shaky. I sort of want to cry. When I was at work today I couldn't wait to go home and veg, but now that I'm home all I want is to be back at work so that I can be distracted from my own head, and I'm sitting calmly on my bed typing this but my mind is racing and I want to talk to somebody but I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy and the one person that will not think I'm crazy is at work right now and I can't afford a psychologist or anti-anxiety pills and I feel like I just want to scream, or for something to snap and change everything so I can start over again and be worry-free and the fast-paced typing of this entry keeps the anxiety at bay a little bit, and for that reason I don't ever want to start typing but I have to stop eventually...