7 posts from 2009

So I've had this problem for a few months now. I get anxious sometimes, for no real reason, or for stupid reasons. Right now the reason is that I want a certain boy to call me, and the fact that he hasn't makes me get all stupid. But we communicated via text message last night, and I don't want to be needy by calling him. And so I'm not going to call him, but then as I'm sitting here brooding, one anxious thought leads to another: I'm not financially independent (still at home with Mom and Dad), I'm not in grad school, I don't have a real job, I ate too much today, I'm getting anxious, and thinking about being anxious makes me more anxious and I have too much energy and it's too late to go for a run because it's already dark outside and I keep picking at the skin around my fingernails because it makes me feel less anxious and is my head going to explode from all of this? I feel like I'm breathing faster than is necessary. I feel like my heart is pounding. I'm getting little bouts of lightheadedness. My insides feel shaky. I sort of want to cry. When I was at work today I couldn't wait to go home and veg, but now that I'm home all I want is to be back at work so that I can be distracted from my own head, and I'm sitting calmly on my bed typing this but my mind is racing and I want to talk to somebody but I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy and the one person that will not think I'm crazy is at work right now and I can't afford a psychologist or anti-anxiety pills and I feel like I just want to scream, or for something to snap and change everything so I can start over again and be worry-free and the fast-paced typing of this entry keeps the anxiety at bay a little bit, and for that reason I don't ever want to start typing but I have to stop eventually...

(Let me first say that I hate that I am writing about a breakup. I hate that I am displaying this on a public forum for all to see. I hate that I am being such a girl about what I'm going through, and I hate feeling like I am giving the impression that I'm fishing for sympathy. I'm not fishing for sympathy. But I know that I feel better when I write, and my goal these days is to feel better. So here I am. Writing about a breakup. And it probably won't be the last entry, either. That's my disclaimer. Continue, if you wish; if you're anything like me, you may prefer to skim over this and promptly move on once you realize what it's about. Here goes.)

I found a theme song as I was going through old music on my computer. The song itself is not that old, but I haven't listened to it since long before I ever thought I would be in a relationship. "Our Time" by Tyler Hilton has always struck a chord with me, but as I wrote to my friend earlier today in an email, it's funny how you sometimes don't completely get a song until you have an experience to match it. In my last entry I talked about how I was unhappy with the man I was with. Well, as it turns out, and as is so common, things did not get better. As is also so common, we broke up. We're just not the ones for each other, which stinks sort of, but at least I am now going through a pain that will heal. If I'd stayed with him, the hurt feelings would have only renewed themselves with each encounter. And so now I've been incommunicado for a week and a half, and though it's gotten easier to deal with, the little void is still there and it still pervades me sometimes. I suppose that's why I'm sharing here.

There’s a rule in the book that says it’s gotta be fun.

I hate to admit, but my feelings have changed.

Everybody expects to hear a love song.

Love can’t come from something that never was.

 

There’s a time and a place where thoughts are discovered.

I’ll package a tent, all the sheets that I need.

What I call a gift can’t be given to many,

But loving a friend just ain’t the same.

 

Sorrow hangs like a halo, baby, on my head.

But regret will never fill my vacant heart.

I’m leaving behind the you in my mind.

Though I know it’s new it’s, something I’ll try.

I’ll always remember the way that we cared for our time.

I'm going through a little bit of a tough time right now. I am trying to keep things in perspective, I am trying to be strong, and I am trying to do the right thing despite the sense of dread I have over it. I knew there would be no happy ending when I got into this situation, but at the very least I am becoming stronger as I work some things out. And that is one thing I knew would result. I am learning that the things I want are not unreasonable requests. I am learning that I need more than I thought I would, but I'm beginning to believe that that's okay. I think I deserve a little bit more is all. And I think he's not willing to give that to me.

Show us your favorite spring bloom.

Tulips are my favorite.

I've met a large dog named Brock. He belongs to my cousins. He's a German shepherd, and, still a puppy (he's a little over a year, I think), shows his excitement without jumping! That's what I'm talking about.

I take a different flavor of coffee creamer to work every week, and this week was International Delight's chocolate caramel. I took it yesterday, and my coworkers and I decided it was good enough to drink. Now, I am just in love with my coworker Josh. Josh (or anyone else for that matter), if you are reading this, please know that it is a platonic love, nothing more. And I promise I'm not trying to take you away from your girlfriend. But honestly, he's one of my favorite people in the world and this just makes me think even more highly of him. When I got to work today, he approached me and said that there was only a little creamer left and that he hid it in the fridge for me. How beautiful is that? Maybe it's not that big of a deal when you read this little anecdote from my day, but it sure made me smile.

I mean, think about it. We live in a world that's so rush rush rush, and at my job we are definitely a good example of chickens with their heads cut off. It's a restaurant where our clients are pretty well off, and we bust our butts and bend over backward to get them what they want when they want it. My friend Joshua took a little time out of his day to think that I might want some coffee creamer this morning, and actually made the effort to help me out with it. Again, maybe not a huge deal. But it still warms my heart nonetheless. I don't need diamonds. I don't need riches. Little things like that make me happy. Thanks, Josh.

Are you going to tune in to today's Super Bowl game? If so, where and with whom will you be watching? Who are you rooting for?

Let me first say that I have no malice or ill will toward any Super Bowl fans. I just want that to be clear, because I always feel like I'm being blasphemous when I say that I can't think of anything that interests me less than football. I have only ever tuned in to the Super Bowl once--in 2004--and I don't remember a thing about it, except that it was the year of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, and I don't even remember that part. I only remember the big deal it became in the days following. 

Having said that, it's been a really good day. You can assume by now that I am not going to tune in to the game. In fact, it's probably on right at this very minute. But even though I am not watching, I was a part of a festive environment. At the country club where I work as a server, we had a tailgate party for our members. I was not scheduled to work the party; I was at my regular spot in the restaurant for breakfast and lunch, but my manager gave all the food/bev staff a little Super Bowl bling (plastic bead necklaces with footballs on them) to wear for the day, and we helped with the preparations for the party. The festive air, along with my coworkers who are always fun to be with, made the day a success. And I am in the know enough that I can report which teams are playing (The Cardinals and the Steelers, thank you very much), which is not always the case. That's good enough for me.